what in the world was going on

When last we saw our heroine she was packing the car to head south and home...

Which she did! Though she got a speeding ticket on the way...then woke up to technical issues of the most annoying kind and battled her laptop for hours and hours over the next two days...and then, it died. So the next day she drove two hours to the nearest Apple store to get them to fix it, only to discover that they could not. So she bought a new computer, loaded everything back on it - and half of it wouldn't work. She erased everything and started over. Oh, and she sprained her ankle or thought so because it hurt like crazy for two days...and her neck and back were in agony, and she had an anxiety attack in the middle of the night. And sadly learned of the passing of two people in her world, a third was lost unexpectedly a couple of weeks ago.

On sunday, she woke up and cleaned her office and got her laptop running mostly smoothly.

Monday was awesome. 

Today is tuesday, and she just went to zumba.

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I feel happy and light. The sun is shining and things seem to be aligned again. 

But what in the world was going on last week? Did you feel it too? Just a month ago (on my neglected personal blog) I wrote about how everything was flowing so beautifully in my world, though even then I acknowledged that I knew it was a cycle and that I wouldn't necessarily feel this way at some point.

Still when it hits - "the vortex of suck" - as I call it, its like running into a brick wall and all the old patterns come back...the negative self-talk, the worrying about my karmic debt, trying to find that moment when it all turned and what could I have done to prevent it or more accurately, what did I do to cause it. The wondering if I was getting too confident in my good fortune? 

Woah, wait...did you read that? Isn't that fascinating? Too confident in my good fortune...as if by somehow fully appreciating how good things are, I destroy them? 

Now there is an insight that is worth all the pain of my last week...

...and therein lies the root of so much of my fear and anxiety and the key to much of my personal work and healing. I knew this insight was in there...I had been reflecting on the idea of satisfaction and how to feel it. A symptom of which was that I too often left personal projects unfinished as there was just no prize at the end for me. I didn't feel anything when I worked hard and got something done (clearly I would be a terrible knitter!)...but I want to change that. I want to be able to fully appreciate the successes, and the good times without worrying about them going away, or that I might sabotage myself by feeling satisfied and grateful.

and I want to feel like Eli does when he catches his frisbee...super stoked...and ready to do it again, and again, and again.

Elizabeth has this quote written on her desk...and I keep coming back to it now as I process my week. I hope you find it helpful and that it resonates with you...

Everything in its perfect time. Everything is unfolding. And, I am enjoying where I am now, in relationship to where I am going. Content where I am and eager for more. 
~ Abraham-Hicks

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So tell me...did you run into this kind of craziness lately too? What do you do to see yourself through it?

xo*m

*photos by david alan harvey