Linda Esterley
To begin this story, there is a back story. In the years just previous to my first year at Squam, I had lost my husband, left a fantastic (but financially disastrous) job in radio, and began a job at 911. My body was tired. My mind was exhausted from hearing all manner of tragedy on the phone all night at work. I had PTSD and anxiety attacks & nightmares. I had remarried, and there were tensions there. My only outlet was art.
I had seen an article about Wendy Ellertson in Art Doll Quarterly and was mesmerized by her work. Fast forward a few years, and I happened to check her blog...she would be teaching at this new Squam Art Workshop place in September. Amazing – an art retreat on the east coast! I knew that somehow I HAD to go, even if I hyperventilated throughout the entire 8 hour drive! I was preoccupied with the thought that maybe I just could. I sent my check in, and immediately started thinking “now what have I done?!”
So that's how I arrived through the gates of the RDC the very first year of SAW: sweaty, terrified, embarrassed that I was sweaty and terrified, planning my escape, wondering if I had the right clothes, thinking I should bring a book to dinner in case I had to eat alone, wondering just who I thought I was to be going to an ART workshop – surely I wasn't as good an artist as anyone else there.
I had asked for a single room, and got one in Longhouse with a beautiful view. I unloaded my car & walked into the huge Longhouse and these women hugged me, then grabbed my bags and started hauling them upstairs, laughing & talking with me as if we were old friends. And soon we were. We all walked down to dinner together, and at some point, I looked around the dining hall and felt like a giant family had gathered. I had never seen so many women together in one spot just enjoying each other's company...no drama, no fashion show, all ages and backgrounds and skill levels...nothing negative – it was such a spirit of acceptance and welcoming. And remember – this was everyone's first year there. Time went by far too quickly, and soon it was Sunday – time to leave. It was so so hard. I felt like a kid leaving home for her first year of sleep-away camp...which is funny, since I was leaving camp for home. But that first year set a place in my heart that calls SAW home.
Yes, I cried most of the way home, felt homesick, played Jonatha Brooke's CD on endless repeat like a dork. I was unable to express to people what had shifted inside me, but they noticed something different. I had wisely planned a few days off from work following my return from NH, and ended up extending that for an extra week. (My boss called and said they had expected me back Wednesday, and it was Thursday, and had they gotten the calendar wrong? I said they must have, and by the way, next week wasn't looking too good for me to be in, either.)
Despite years of working in radio, and an occasional stint in comedy, I was not a real social person – feeling geeky & awkward. But there was something about SAW that made me feel comfortable, accepted, “seen” for the inner person I was. And that Elizabeth – she always seemed to appear at the right moment with the right things to say!
I couldn't wait to go back the next year, and made a promise to myself to return every year. I made some friends that year that I consider sisters. We call each other at least once a month, sometimes texting a dozen times a day. These are women I trust with my deepest stuff. Whenever I confront a difficult situation, I remember how hard it was to make it to that first year of SAW, and know I can pretty much do anything now. SAW has changed me in ways that nothing else could have. I have reconnected with the part of myself that I'd had to hide to keep safe. My artwork has grown by leaps and bounds...gallery shows, private sales, and inclusion in the Made In NY exhibit (which is a big deal in this state). I left my Big Girl Job last March, and am now working for myself as a full time artist. None of this would have happened without my sisters from SAW holding me up. That is a fact. SAW is more than an art retreat – it's a gathering of like-minded souls, helping & healing one another – with fantastic art workshops thrown in. If you think you want to go, but are nervous – go. I will be there to show you around. I will answerany questions you may have if you email me. And I'll tell the truth. And if you can't find me, there are 149 other people who will do the same. The second year, I also requested a single room, but was feeling like I was missing out on something. So each year since, I've stayed in an ever-growing cabin filled with the most amazing women! I was worried about bathroom/shower scheduling, and what if we didn't get along, or if I was in a cabin with women much younger than I am & we had no common social references. Elizabeth is a dream about matching people in cabins, so there were no worries. And honestly, there isn't a sense of age or who has what...it's just that good.
I'm an early riser (like 2-4am early) and often get to see the sunrise from the dock by myself in quiet reverance, a cup of tea steaming in my hands. And those moments are as sacred to me as the time spent laughing and trading stories with cabinmates. I cherish each and every one of the people I have met at SAW over the years, and hope that I've given back to them as much as they've given to me.
Recently, I had a show at a gallery here in the city, and a girl who sat behind me at my former job came. She bought an expensive original collage I had done featuring the dining hall from the RDC, even though she was just barely making ends meet. She said she wanted to feel like a part of SAW was with her, since I wouldn't be at the office to talk about it anymore. That's how good this is. SAW started with a spark of a dream and the outrageous courage of Elizabeth to follow that dream. Her spark is ignited within each and every person who attends, and her courage is the legacy she imparts to us all. I hope I've been able to express just how unique and just how wonderful Squam Art Workshops is. You really need to experience it for yourself...you, too, will promise yourself this annual gift.
Linda Esterley
http://kitasmom-gettingby.blogspot.com/
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