i have a confession to make
I have a confession to make.
I'm headed up to the Etsy Symposium in Brooklyn this week. We are so excited to be a sponsor and I am so eager to go and meet the Etsy team and the sellers who will be there and to learn and make new freinds. And, well, we all know how much I love New York.
But, Jen just asked me how I was feeling and what came out was...nervous. "Why?" she asked. "Oh the whole big room full of strangers thing, you know." I said. But this is what's really going through my mind:
Oh my god, what will I wear?
I don't have any cool clothes...or shoes...and Etsy is COOL.
How will I get there?
I seriously have no idea where this place is!
Wow, I look really old lately.
I'm this country mouse going to the big city, and that will be embarassingly obvious.
My business cards suck.
I have no idea how to talk to people. In fact, I'm really awkward so why would they even want to talk to me?
More to the point, I have nothing to say.
What if I end up sitting alone at lunch?
Don't forget breath mints.
~~~
Any of this sound familiar? It did to me.
As I was listening to my brain I realized this is exactly how I had felt about going to Squam. In fact, I was registered for the very first Squam 5 years ago and I backed out. The fear and anxiety overwhelmed me and I made up excuses and wrote an email and cancelled. Then the second one (the first June session) came along...but I couldn't bring myself to even register (I had more fear of textiles* than paints even). The third Squam I pretended to ignore until I found Elizabeth in my yoga studio here in North Carolina (a story for another day). And still in the last days before heading to New Hampshire I was on the phone with her having a freak out. But I did it. I pulled out of my driveway bawling my eyes out and just started driving north...but really I was driving towards my own True North. I just didn't know it yet.
And I realized this is a good reminder for me...because I know there are some of you out there who are feeling that way now about coming to Squam this year. It's just a part of the process for some of us sensitive types...
So I wanted you to know that I get it and all my anxiousness about visiting Etsy this week reminded me. But it also reminded me that if I hadn't done it, just put one foot in front of the other and gotten myself there (with encouragement!) I wouldn't have done this:
Using a process I first learned from Flora at Squam, I have six canvases in process.
And this is that thing that called me there in the first place.
Paint.
on Canvas.
So, I'm thinkin' it was all worth it...
~~~
I'll let you know next week how it goes for me at Etsy! *Oh and the textiles? Let's just say that Maya works magic!
xo*m
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You know from our emails that I am so sensitive, and I am just starting to learn what that means for me and the things I need to do to create a life to support that. I've tried to be other than I was and boy has that not worked, it's left me in a mind/body/health crisis that I am untangleing now. So know this, you are not alone, and you are so loved and supported by this community.
You truly are an inspiration to me. I live right over the bridge from brooklyn and have yet to make it over there...
love to you
Karen
deldino
seriously, michelle, tears in my eyes. because - even before you paralleled your upcoming etsy experience with your first squam experience - that's immediately where my mind went...hearing all the questions circling in your mind about the etsy symposium felt so very close to how i think/feel about my upcoming initiation to squam.
you are lovely for sharing yourself in this way.
and your painting rocks ;)
Oh my, this is exactly how I feel. Squamitalia is 7 months away for me and I'm actually panicking more than I care to admit about what I'll wear and what my weight will be, if I'll feel like I fit in there or am I kidding myself thinking I belong in a room with people who are living much more interesting lives.
I feel really ashamed that those thoughts even go through my mind because I've watched my share of Brene talks. But at this point yup, this is how I feel. There was such joy upon signing up and such elation at seeing that it all went through smoothly and now there is just fear. However, I do know that fear seems to be the seed from where the best growth comes.
I wish you calm and strength and a some super cool duds for your upcoming trip. I bet it will be fabulous.
You can totally do this. Although wow, yes, I feel what you're saying. Oh, I would have to guess that most of us feel this way about lots of things, but not too many people say so, yet when we do, we get lots of "I know how you feel" encouragement, and that helps.
I hope you let us know how it goes!
I don't know why I still get a little surprised when those who are obviously doing wonderful things (such as yourself) confess these types of feelings. Then I remember how we are all human and we all experience very real human feelings. Oh and from one artist to another- I love what you are doing on those canvases!
hey y'all...thank you for being so kind in your support. as i was talking to jen this morning it really felt to me like i was talking about going to squam for the first time. me being all blasé about it, pretending it wasn't really kind of freaking me out. i feel so much better having voiced my fears... and i know that when i get to NY and open the doors to Etsy that fear will fill me again.... so i'm just going to breathe and move through it.
and seriously...if you are feeling anxious about squam, reach out. i so get it...
Oh wow, Michelle, and here I am thinking that you are one of the super cool kids who NEVER gets nervous about mundane things like what to wear because you always look so effortless and funky! Inside our heads is a funhouse, isn't it?
Giving voice to your fears rather than bottling them up inside keeps them the right size - mine look a little like animated versions of the gargoyles on Notre Dame and it's hard to take them too seriously as a result. It sounds like you'll stay in the moment, and that should help you enjoy. I'll keep a good thought for you.
ps, I love your paintings - so sensual and cool!
I first heard about Squam from the Yarn Harlot when she blogged about Squam by the Sea. I was intrigued, then terrified when I read about the classes and the reviews from previous attendees. They were real artists who could draw and paint and photograph and do mixed media and me? Well, I knit. There is no way that I could attend Squam. I'm not an artist.
Then I read about the Spring Squam last year and knew that I could do it. The presence of "real" artists still kind of freaked me out but I had my yarn and needles and was comforted by them (plus my cabin was full of knitters). It was awesome and I'm coming to Spring Squam again this year.
I just signed up for Wild*Abundant*Life and am terrified almost beyond words. Painting and collage and all that real "art" stuff puts me so far out of my comfort zone that it isn't funny. But I know that the experience will take me to places I never thought I'd go.
And through running, I've learned that it's all relative. I'm not a fast runner by any stretch of the imagination and because of that, never considered myself to be a "real" runner. It took 5 ultra marathons and qualifying for the Boston Marathon (by the skin of my teeth) to realize that yes, I'm a "real" runner, even though I'm far from being an elite runner.
And maybe one day, I'll realize that yes, I am a "real" artist.
P.S. You'll be perfectly fine at Etsy!
Michelle - I have Etsy Symposium envy! I have signed up for the online series and that will have to suffice for me. How do you get to be a part of the Symposium in person? I did go to Brooklyn last year with a friend. We went mostly to go to the Brooklyn Flea - which is a must my dear and on Saturday's and Sundays in Spring. Do not miss the Brooklyn Flea. It was on our agenda to go to an Etsy Friday night world wide party but we missed it due to travel complications and again on Monday evening for a free craft class - printmaking no less and again it was missed. I had just come back from my First Squam trip and I was a bit changed (aren't we all) and it affected a this trip to Brooklyn with a longtime dear friend. I had a hard time being the follower that I have almost always been when with others and things went down hill. Many lessons were learned for me that weekend re myself. Etsy is located somewhere near DUMBO - under the booklyn bridge overpass! We wanted to go to the Botanical gardens and missed that too. If there is a farmer's market in the park - cannot recall the name of it - go, go and enjoy.
I do love Brooklyn and have photos!!
I am heartened to read that you 'Michelle' one of the leaders of this adventure called Squam almost did not make it to her first session. I see you as a confident, inspiring individual and now I know you were once like most of us - timid beyond words to travel to a new place now special. We look at other's hoping and wishing to be like them and little do we know we are like them but yet to discover it. I was the one who lost her keys within an hour of checking in last spring and asking you and Jen who were tacking up poster boards on Greenwood porch, for assistance, garnered up some of those cute camp workers to attack my car and then found my keys on the tray over the bathroom sink!
I have an extra key to bring this year!!
enjoy your travel.
I was just watching the Etsy Symposium and Nicky - person in charge of this particular meeting gave a shoot out to Michelle of Squam! Yay Michelle, hope to hear a lot about your trip.
Judy
Yes, Yes, Yes.....that is exactly how I'm feeling about Squam!!! How am I going to get there.....having to travel for the first time by myself.....changing planes.....maybe I should just drive.....but gosh it's a long drive to take by myself......and then when I get there.....being around all of these people I don't know.....people that are REAL artists....I'm not an artist......do I really belong there? What will people think of me.....I'm not skinny enough to go to Squam.....everyone else is going to be better than me......what the heck am I thinking???? But everyone says it's life changing.....and I can't wait!!!!! That's about how my thoughts go.....and I know that as it gets closer....I'm going in September.....all the way to New Hampshire.....because I wanted to go somewhere I have never been before.....I live really close to the Outer Banks.....maybe I should have signed up to go there instead.....but I really want to go to New Hampshire because I've never been there.....and....and.....and....as it's gets closer my mind is going to go even faster and my stomach is going to be doing even bigger flops.....phew......yeah.....I know just how you feel.
Celia, your's is a journey of a lifetime. Not only are you going to Squam solo, but traveling alone as well. It cannot get much better than that. Traveling to a new place alone with many unknowns is one of the best gifts we can give to ourselves. I wen to Squam last year alone and not knowing a soul. I traveled to Argentina about 10 years ago alone, my first time out of the country save to quick jaunts over the Canadian border, did not speak any Spanish and I felt so accomplished completing the trip with no hitches even with commumications via hand motions. Not all of us are real artists! I believe it safe to say our teachers are but I suspect for the most part we are just all enjoying creativity as a most important part of our lives. Size, shape, color, ethnicity, health, style nor any other criteria are factors for attendees at Squam, Don't give these doubts any more of your precious time. Dwell on your classes, cabin, exciting trip, new friends, your craft supplies, bug spray (!!), trails though the woods, and the unknown joy coming your way.
Judy - who hopes to meet you. PM me if you like as I am attending in Fall as well as Spring!!
Thank you for sharing your feelings. I thought only I have this type of dialogue in my head :)
Michelle,my sister-
I know those feelings all too well and am only beginning to not be paralyzed by them. Thank you for sharing.
I'm so so glad you wrote this post. I was just thinking about how freaked out I was two years ago when I first ventured into a group of cool, awesome women wondering if they would see that I can't paint or draw and immediately escort me from the premises.
But somewhere between singing along to Jonatha's songs without knowing the words, and listening to Elizabeth's talk about how it's just making "stuff" and no big deal, I opened up and it started a chain reaction that has totally changed my life.
And now I'm coming back two years later as an artist myself???? Are you kidding me?? How cool is that?