Brandi Marie Little
My first trip to Squam was in the fall of 2010. I had been hearing about the magic of Squam through various blog posts and it seemed like some kind of distant dream. When you've never been to an art retreat, it can sort of seem like something that a privileged few actually get to experience. So I think my brain logged it away, thinking... one day. And then one of my favorite artists, who had just started a blog, signed up to teach at that year's Squam. That would be Ms. Flora Bowley. As soon as I saw that she'd be teaching a class there, I sort of went to my husband with wild eyes saying, “I have to do this. I think we can actually do this!”
That was to be our first trip to New England, so we also decided to spend some time camping in a private tipi in the white mountains before driving down to Squam Lake. A really beautiful and secluded experience. Though after a few days of being on about 35 acres of private woods, walking into registration that first Wednesday evening at Rockywold-Deephaven Camps was quite a shift! Everyone hugging old friends and chatting away. I'm afraid I kind of wanted to melt into the woodwork and disappear. After I registered, I began to sneak my way out when I was accosted by the sweetest, most energetic gal around, Elizabeth. She wanted to introduce herself and make sure we had absolutely everything we needed to feel comfortable. After that, I started to settle in a bit. The next three days were a whirlwind of art-making, meeting kindred spirits, beautiful walks through the woods, and icy dips in the lake. My husband and I chose to stay off campus that year to save a bit of money, so I do think we may have missed out on some experiences. But for a first toe in the water, it was perfect. And by the time we were driving out to the airport in Boston early Sunday morning, I was already planning our trip back next year!
Fall Squam of 2011 was planned with much anticipation and excitement. It would be our first year staying on campus, eating in the dining room, and really getting the full Squam experience. Sadly, that Summer, my world came crashing down around me. We lost three of our beloved pets (Remy, Supaiku, and Blackadder) in a three month period. These are my babies, my children, and truly my reason for not only creating art, but for living. I shut down. No painting, no yoga, no photography, no blogging, no joy. In many ways, I feel as though I barely breathed that summer, aside from those painful gasps in between sobs. And that is what I did do. I cried, I was hysterical, I wrote angry page after page in my journal, I talked to anyone who would listen, I tried to make sense of what had happened and I came up with nothing. No thing. Squam turned into an obligation that I was dreading, as I dreaded most things those days that required me to interact with life. I canceled another art retreat, and considered canceling our trip to Squam. But somehow I managed to get on that plane and eventually we touched down in Boston. As we drove across New England in our little rental car, for the first time in a very long time, my heart lifted.
What followed my fellow Squammies will understand, perhaps better than my broken heart yet can. Yes, it was my second year at Squam, but it was my first year staying on campus in those magical woods, crowding around tables full of far too tempting food, hugging friends, meeting new friends, traipsing through the cold and dark knowing that a fire was not far off. This year was truly different. Will you understand what it means when I say-- I painted. I created. I shared things about those loves I lost with souls I had just met. I went from almost having a panic attack in the crowded dining hall on the first night to craving that collective energy and looking forward to hearing what my friends had experienced in class. I hugged so many beautiful, intelligent, artsy girls and felt that there were so many more who I would not this time have the pleasure of getting to know. And I shared my art that had been so stuck inside me those past four hard months, and I shared my stories that would not stop spilling forth, all the while absorbing the stories of others. Stories that floored me, that made me laugh more than I have laughed in months, stories that met my stories with unspoken understanding.
I went this past year thinking that for purely financial reasons I would not be attending in 2012. And I left knowing that I have to find a way. That I will always have to find a way. This is my tribe. Squam renews my soul like nothing else I have ever experienced. The lessons learned at Squam not only make me a well-rounded artist, but a soul who has more to give to the world. Since this past Squam, I can't help thinking that Elizabeth should put on the Squam website: “Give me your tired, your brokenhearted, your fearful and artistically stuck masses yearning to create freely. We have a cure for what ails you. Squam heals the soul.
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